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we do!
He just doesn’t listen….
I’ve told him so many times…..
He won’t do what he
says he will…
He just doesn’t
consider the consequences
or think ahead…
Frustration and downright anger
can certainly take over at some
point. It’s like talking to a brick
wall and exasperation takes
over. At this point, women then
become more emotional (which we do well!), and
can be quite verbose and vehement in expressing it!
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This isn’t a problem as such, let’s just step into the
man’s shoes for a second & see what happens…..
Being the focused and tunnel visioned creatures
that they are, which can actually be strengths
for men, the verbose and vehement emotional
expression from a woman can be quite confronting.
I’ve seen it many times in couples counselling.
Men have feelings like anyone else…some of
them just have difficulty processing them, they get
overwhelmed, they may not even be able to label
what’s going on for them inside. On top of that, it
becomes hard for them to talk about it. Really, how
can you talk about something that you’re having
trouble labelling?
That’s what women do well and so easily. Think
about it, how long could you chat with a girl friend
on the phone or over coffee…the conversation just
goes on for hours if you let it, one topic leads to
another and then you analyse the situation from
another angle..sound familiar?! While we have a lot
of male friends that can get into that, a lot of men
just don’t get that or would find it really draining!
So once the overwhelmed feeling saturates them
inside – not that they’d ever tell you that of course
-they then lack the kind of verbal skill set to
communicate something, anything to you! Once
they get through the overwhelmed, it hardly seems
worth saying anything….it’s better to just DO
something, a practical and tangible task to show
that they are contributing something, somehow.
I hear what some of you ladies are saying…”I do
give him the space to get back to me on it, I ask
him to tell me what’s going on with him and he
won’t”. I hear you, fair point!
For those men reading this article, perhaps
consider ways that you can express yourself, even
if it is to say “I’m having trouble telling you what
I’m thinking” and give it a go anyway. No point
stopping at that expression though, it’ll only get
you off the hook for so long! Ladies, put those great
conversational & listening to skills to use by slowing
them down so that guys have more time to think &
express themselves. Both parties, just stay in the
game, create rules that work for both of you & you’ll
eventually win it together. It’s important for anyone
to express what’s important to them without it all
becoming a blame game.
Often times during counselling sessions, we’ll
spend some time highlighting what he may be
feeling and finding ways to help him express it. At
the same time, his partner learns to take notice of
the various ways he actually may be expressing the
very things she wants from him, just in his way, not
the way she would have initially liked. Aiming for a
win/win for both parties is important.
As exasperating as all this can be that you end
up asking… “Men…who needs them?...” consider
this….as frustrating and inconsiderate men’s
response (or lack of response…) can sometimes
(often?!) be, they ARE quite sensitive beings and
feel emotions more sharply than we as women do.
In answer to the question……Men, Who needs
them….. We do!!”.
Dr. Elizabeth Celi, PhD, MAPS
Health and Exercise Psychologist – 0413 338 237
Author of ‘Regular Joe vs Mr Invincible, The Battle
for the True Man’, to be released in December.
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